The Grand Exposing of Raphael - our friendly neighborhood shark plushie is not what he seems

Pssst.

Hey fellas.

C’mere. I got something important for you.

And no, unfortunately, I’m all out of hentai.

Ever since I came to this here pit of depravity that y’all keep referring to as a “forum”, I’ve been having my suspicions about that guy, Raphael.

We all know him. He’s the fellow resident shark plushie that’s been charged by the totalitarian oligarchy that is Fatshark to close threads after a certain period of inactivity has transpired.

But there’s something fishy about him (and I ain’t talking shark), and I’ve taken it upon myself to uncover the truth. I felt Strange vibrations emanating all around me as I conducted my research, and what I uncovered is truly horrifying. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.


Exhibit A: Failing to perform assigned duties

Now, I get it. Closing threads 7 days after the last reply is a bland, repetitive, and thankless job, but one that needs to be done, and one that Raphael has taken upon himself, so that no mortal would have to bear this burden.

However, Raphael, despite only having a single job, still fails to do this.

Threads will be left open for months on end without him batting an eyelid (sharks have eyelids, right?) towards them, and it’s seemingly random which threads he decides to spare, and who he takes down with him to the bottom of the deep.

Now, this could simply be mistakes on his part, but it happens often, and I’ve a feeling there’s something larger at play here, which I will go into further down below.


Exhibit B: False profile information

Raphael’s profile has blatantly wrong information that makes no logical sense.

As we can see on his profile, despite having read 5.5k posts, he has visited for less than a day, and has a total read time of less than 1 minute.

In addition to this, Raphael has apparently managed to create negative amounts of topics and posts, reaching -4 topics and -6 posts.

That’s not all. Raphael, the absolute god amongst men that he is, has managed to acquire not one, not zero, but TWO whole badges in his entire career on these here forums. And, I gotta say, that’s pretty impressive.

Y’know, most of us forum peasants? We barely get any badges, much less one. But this guy? Two whole badges.

Epic.

One being the completely useless Anniversary badge, simply signifying that you’ve wasted a grand total of one year here, and the other being the legendary h e l l a l i t First Emoji badge.

Despite not using emojis when he closes posts, I have seen him use the :trophy: emoji when congratulating new users of the month, like when I received one here.

However, that’s not the problem. The problem is that Raphael has apparently managed to reach Trust Level: Leader, despite neither having the badge for it, nor having the badge for the previous Trust Levels.

In fact, Raphael shouldn’t even have been able to reach Trust Level: Basic, since that requires a minimum of 10 minutes of read time, which he has failed to acquire, according to the Trust Level guide he presented to me as seen here.

So not only is his profile showing false information, he’s rigging the system to grant himself an increased position of power. Which leads me to…


Exhibit C: Raphael himself

Now, despite the fact that sharks cannot be found in Sweden, Fatshark, as most are presumably already aware of, is a Swedish company, so why would Raphael have a name of Hebrew origin?

Even more, the name Raphael itself means “God has healed”.

“God has healed”? A god? One that has been wounded, and has now healed?

There’s supernatural powers at play here as well it seems.

There is more. Raphael is also present on the Official Fatshark Discord. However, here we see him for what he truly is: a bot.

Unlike @discobot, which specifies in the profile description that its not a real person, Raphael’s… doesn’t say anything about him.

Because it says nothing at all.

Why would Fatshark specify that discobot is a bot, but not specify that Raphael is?

And, I mean, just look at him. He’s a shark plushie. How can an inanimate object moderate an online forum? And that smile. It really just tells you this guy is not to be trusted.


Verdict

I’m afraid I cannot let this stand.

Raphael, I’m calling you out.

I am fully aware that the great Shark of Fatness is a creature of peace, morality, and self-reflection, not concerned with the petty squabbles and conflicts of man, but someone has to stand up for this, and once again, like most things in the world, this task falls to the individual least suited for it (wow, we really do live in a society).

@Raphael I challenge you to a 1 v 1 match in Minesweeper.

The person with the highest score wins. I shall grant you 3 days to mentally prepare (if bots can even do that) and accept my proposal. Do not keep me waiting.

And as for you, fellow forum-folk, allow yourselves not to be deceived.

Madeleine, the Lead Animator of Fatshark, was holding a shark plushie similar to Raphael during the Fatshark Roundtable, except it didn’t exhibit the same teeth that and wicked smile that Raphael possesses.

Raphael is not alone. His selective post-closing is only the beginning. Fatshark is mustering an entire army of shark plushies, and soon, they will come for us.

Down with the Sharktriarchy.

Goodbye.

Inb4 making a shitepost about a bot counts as naming and shaming.
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I admire the effort you have spent on this :open_mouth::hushed::open_mouth:

Have a like.

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Your exhibit A is weakly assembled, nonbeliever! Depending on the post, the topic and tags assigned to it will prevent it from being marked closed after seven days. You will note at the bottom of this thread that it is not marked to be closed after 7 days and Raphael will, therein, not close it after seven days. That would be because this topic is based in the FatShark Lounge (rather, that is the trend I’ve observed).

Additionally, our dearest Raphael acts on most cases but is decidedly smarter than the vast majority of living creatures as he does what he is told! When the all-powerful FatsharkJulia and Fatshark_Hedge are reigning over a thread, it seems that they are able to dissuade Raphael from closing the thread. This is evident in how bug reports, when supplied enough information, are allowed to remain open. Similarly, bug reports without enough information remain at the mighty sharks discretion.

In your exhibit B you seem to assume that he is being graded the same way we are! And, to the best of my knowledge, you are entirely correct. I’ve got nothing for this one, other than that we should not anger a shark who can create negative versions of posts… you have been warned, @LordRhinark; what if he were to create a negative version of this post? What might happen, do you think?

Doom may yet approach us.

Exhibit C is a weird one to point out, but let’s do it. He has been categorized as a bot to hide his true identity! A force as unnatural and unwavering as he would be shunned by the masses unless given a more innocent name. It is his duty to close the wounds that rest upon the forums… and so the threads vanish at his touch.

I stand beside my friend and ally, Raphael. I even liked one of his closing-post posts to see if it would change the number of likes his profile had… it didn’t. How can we understand what he is if we cannot affect him like we affect one another?!

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I was thinking about sending him a strongly worded letter on his unacceptable behaviour. He continues to edit my posts if I quote another users entire post. This is simply unacceptable as I spent most of 1998-2006 playing starcraft and using starcraft forums. Where it was deeply ingrained in my soul that if I’m responding to someone, I must quote their post.

Unfortunately the fallen angel Raphael, most likely a force of darkness at this point, he does not like me quoting an entire post and removes the quote. This then requires me to edit my own post again and readd the quote. These unfortunate series of events leave my post with an icon at the top saying that it’s been edited two times. Which results in me looking like a newbie pleb and receiving negative kudos from my forum peers.

Please fix Fatshark or I riot and make a new thread about, “This forum is unplayable, fix your crap fatshark”.

PS. Please get vbullentin so I can feel like it’s 2004 again.

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It is strange that for a being this powerful, with the power to close entire threads, to be omnipresent and read thousands of posts in the blink of an eye, and the power to create negative posts, that not only have Fatshark managed to tame this noble being, but the common man, us forum-folk, can seemingly ward him off from bringing his wrath upon us, by placing our posts in certain categories, seemingly outside of his reach.

It is strange indeed, that for a creature this omnipotent, he is restricted to only roam these forums in solitude, closing threads for the rest of eternity, and obeying the commands of those that would fancy themselves his superiors.

Or perhaps, he does this willingly.

Perhaps he ushers in the anonymity and mysteries surrounding him. Perhaps his only wish is to bring order to a chaotic mess, to prevent the forums from falling into anarchy. Perhaps he wishes only to serve, and puts the self aside for the greater good of others.

A being, dedicated to bringing order in all things. A god that was wounded, but has now healed, and returned to ward us from ourselves once more.

It is official, then. Raphael is the second coming of Sigmar.

More like Sharkmar amirite fellas
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tfw shark mod won’t let you quote posts in peace

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Why not join the Fatshark Discord https://discord.gg/K6gyMpu