C’mere. I got something important for you.
And no, unfortunately, I’m all out of hentai.
Ever since I came to this here pit of depravity that y’all keep referring to as a “forum”, I’ve been having my suspicions about that guy, Raphael.
We all know him. He’s the fellow resident shark plushie that’s been charged by the totalitarian oligarchy that is Fatshark to close threads after a certain period of inactivity has transpired.
But there’s something fishy about him (and I ain’t talking shark), and I’ve taken it upon myself to uncover the truth. I felt Strange vibrations emanating all around me as I conducted my research, and what I uncovered is truly horrifying. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Exhibit A: Failing to perform assigned duties
Now, I get it. Closing threads 7 days after the last reply is a bland, repetitive, and thankless job, but one that needs to be done, and one that Raphael has taken upon himself, so that no mortal would have to bear this burden.
However, Raphael, despite only having a single job, still fails to do this.
Threads will be left open for months on end without him batting an eyelid (sharks have eyelids, right?) towards them, and it’s seemingly random which threads he decides to spare, and who he takes down with him to the bottom of the deep.
Now, this could simply be mistakes on his part, but it happens often, and I’ve a feeling there’s something larger at play here, which I will go into further down below.
Exhibit B: False profile information
Raphael’s profile has blatantly wrong information that makes no logical sense.
As we can see on his profile, despite having read 5.5k posts, he has visited for less than a day, and has a total read time of less than 1 minute.
In addition to this, Raphael has apparently managed to create negative amounts of topics and posts, reaching -4 topics and -6 posts.
That’s not all. Raphael, the absolute god amongst men that he is, has managed to acquire not one, not zero, but TWO whole badges in his entire career on these here forums. And, I gotta say, that’s pretty impressive.
Y’know, most of us forum peasants? We barely get any badges, much less one. But this guy? Two whole badges.
One being the completely useless Anniversary badge, simply signifying that you’ve wasted a grand total of one year here, and the other being the legendary h e l l a l i t First Emoji badge.
Despite not using emojis when he closes posts, I have seen him use the emoji when congratulating new users of the month, like when I received one here.
However, that’s not the problem. The problem is that Raphael has apparently managed to reach Trust Level: Leader, despite neither having the badge for it, nor having the badge for the previous Trust Levels.
In fact, Raphael shouldn’t even have been able to reach Trust Level: Basic, since that requires a minimum of 10 minutes of read time, which he has failed to acquire, according to the Trust Level guide he presented to me as seen here.
So not only is his profile showing false information, he’s rigging the system to grant himself an increased position of power. Which leads me to…
Exhibit C: Raphael himself
Now, despite the fact that sharks cannot be found in Sweden, Fatshark, as most are presumably already aware of, is a Swedish company, so why would Raphael have a name of Hebrew origin?
Even more, the name Raphael itself means “God has healed”.
“God has healed”? A god? One that has been wounded, and has now healed?
There’s supernatural powers at play here as well it seems.
There is more. Raphael is also present on the Official Fatshark Discord. However, here we see him for what he truly is: a bot.
Unlike @discobot, which specifies in the profile description that its not a real person, Raphael’s… doesn’t say anything about him.
Because it says nothing at all.
Why would Fatshark specify that discobot is a bot, but not specify that Raphael is?
And, I mean, just look at him. He’s a shark plushie. How can an inanimate object moderate an online forum? And that smile. It really just tells you this guy is not to be trusted.
I’m afraid I cannot let this stand.
Raphael, I’m calling you out.
I am fully aware that the great Shark of Fatness is a creature of peace, morality, and self-reflection, not concerned with the petty squabbles and conflicts of man, but someone has to stand up for this, and once again, like most things in the world, this task falls to the individual least suited for it (wow, we really do live in a society).
@Raphael I challenge you to a 1 v 1 match in Minesweeper.
The person with the highest score wins. I shall grant you 3 days to mentally prepare (if bots can even do that) and accept my proposal. Do not keep me waiting.
And as for you, fellow forum-folk, allow yourselves not to be deceived.
Madeleine, the Lead Animator of Fatshark, was holding a shark plushie similar to Raphael during the Fatshark Roundtable, except it didn’t exhibit the same teeth that and wicked smile that Raphael possesses.
Raphael is not alone. His selective post-closing is only the beginning. Fatshark is mustering an entire army of shark plushies, and soon, they will come for us.
Down with the Sharktriarchy.