Hi!
If anyone has the time, could you please proofread this brief description of my character?
I used AI to paraphrase and shorten the text, but I just want to make sure that it makes sense.
Quorin, a former Krieger and member of the 162nd regiment, has been sentenced to serve under Inquistor Grendyl for his troop’s defiance of their officers.
Quorin, a former Krieger and member of the 162nd regiment, has been sentenced to serve under Inquistor Grendyl for insubordination.
“Insubordination is the act of willfully disobeying a lawful order of one’s superior.”
Just easier to condense it into the official word that describes the act.
It works but I think there might be a different way to phrase it. I’m not neccessarily saying I could do it better, but if it were for myself, I would phrase it differently.
Going off your use of the term ‘Krieger’ I’m presuming he is a member of the glorious Death Korps (for the Korps!) and so I’ve changed the regiment to be a Siege regiment, and if that is wrong then do ignore me. I’m also guessing that he held some form of rank or responsibility, and so I’ve used the term ‘Watch Master’ which is the DKoK’s term for an NCO, because I think that’s a pretty good title. Got me thinking I should find a way to transfer it to one of my characters … hmm …
Watch Master Quorin, formerly of the 162nd Siege Regiment, has been sentenced to serve under Inquisitor Grendyl for their crimes of rank insubordination and mutiny.
For rank insubordination and encouraging mutiny amongst his unit of the 162nd Siege Regiment, former-Watch Master Quorin has been sentenced to serve Inquisitor Grendyl until his life has paid for his crimes.
Quorin, a former-Watch Master of the 162nd Siege Regiment, received a sentence to serve beneath Inquisitor Grendyl, serving until his life has paid for his crimes of rank insubordination and mutiny.
As a Watch Master of the 162nd Siege Regiment, Quorin disobeyed his officer’s orders, with a court-martial finding him guilty of rank insubordination and mutiny. His sentence was to serve Inquisitor Grendyl until his life had paid for his crimes.
Found guilty of his crimes of rank insubordination and inciting a mutiny, Watch Master was stripped of his rank and transferred from the 162nd Siege Regiment into the service of Inquisitor Grendyl, until he had paid for his crimes with his life.
Hi!
The idea was to keep the characters description as short as possible so that the text count could fit as many sites as possible. I wanted it even shorter, but then I could not fit what I thought was important.
Quorin is not supposed to have any ranks other than being a Death Korps Engineer, which is why he is carrying a Vox Caster around. He could certainly be a shock-trooper, but since his loadout is support, I wanted to represent someone who might not be the first to charge into battle.
His entire regiment refused to obey an order to slaughter 400 unarmed civilians, and while the majority of his regiment was executed on the spot, a few lucky sods like Quorin were sent to serve under Inquisitor Grendyl until they had spent their lives as the temporary useful asset they are.
This was far superior to my text; thank you!
Intriguing! Sounds like a reverse decimation; instead of killing 1 in 10, sounds like they left 1 in 10 alive as a living reminder to others. Nicely grim-dark that, and appropriate for Krieg I would say. I hope this is going to be posted somewhere.
Thank you!
Grendyl probably argued that it would be a waste to execute the Death Korps soldiers, known for being a valuable military force willing to die for the Emperor, and that if they were going to die on Atoma in an expendable suicide mission, they could at least take some heretics to their deaths with them.
Quorin, on the other hand, is a self-insert, which means going against established lore like having a normal name, possibly not being born on Krieg but being an immigrant, not wanting to throw his life away (which of course he does not openly say), and just happening to be a soldier because he had no choice but to enlist to survive in the “Grimdank World of 40k.”
Quorin definitely agreed to refuse the order to kill civilians, but he did not initiate the mutiny because he is just a normal person, not a hero or leader, and is primarily concerned about his own survival, although he doesn’t want to hurt anyone just to survive.
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